Here, in this damned place, this Country, is where he now finds himself. Not home, not even part of The World as far as he is concerned, but an earthly prison nonetheless. However, it is much more than just an earthly prison. It is a confinement of the mind, of emotion, devoid of happinness. Happinness, an experience he has all but forgotten. He wonders if he will ever be happy again, or does he even care? He wishes he was part of The World, enjoying life like many others. Instead he is here, fighting a constant battle with an enemy that can't be seen, heard, or touched, an enemy that seems at times to be closing in from all directions. It chases him, taunts him, always just a few steps behind, or waiting around the next corner. It is his shadow, his unyielding foe, he's worn the chains of this demon for what seems like a lifetime. He always told himself that he didn't care, pretended like it didn't bother him, but then again it wasn't always so close.

There was a time when it was only a minor threat, lying in the back of his mind, always remaining at a distance. Maybe this is why it was so easy to ingnore then, so easy to just push aside. Before he had arrived here - although he isn't sure now whether he's really been here all along - he could fill his thoughts with so many other things, some happy and some sad, but none as dreadful as this enemy. Before there was people, places, friends, now there is only himself and the enemy, or are they in fact one in the same? He doesn't even know anymore, and he'll probably never find the answer. The answer is out there somewhere, but it seems likely that this Country will swallow him before he ever gets there. And so, it presents a challenge, a game on which he has wagered his life. And this somehow brings him a glimpse of peace. A peace that he desires, and yet fears at the same time. Rest in Peace, as the saying goes, but is that too peacefull? Hell, he doesn't know, just like so many other things, he is lost in a sea of seemingly infinite complexity. He's just a kid for god's sake, about twenty years in the game, but that only makes him a rookie, he is not a veteran and doesn't know if he ever will be. Twenty years and still a rookie, but the scars run deep. The battles are beginning to take their toll on his body and his mind. Wounds that never seem to heal, a drop of blood a day, but one day there will be no more. Now he thinks, facing (or does he mean embracing?) Death seems like the answer. So he heads out, into the wild untouched places, the remote areas, the uncivilized nightmare, far away from The World. Leaving the safety of his perimiter, he feels a mix of fear and anticipation as he heads out into the enemy's territory. As he gets farther and farther, he realizes there is no turning back, but he no longer cares. He understands that whether he lives or dies makes no difference, because he is not now, nor was he ever a part of The World. His mind is now focused on living, or dying, or whatever is in between.

Time passes, days blur into weeks, into months, years. He doesn't care how long he has been out here, it doesn't matter anymore. There's no going back to The World, he has accepted his fate in this place. He has accepted an existence in which the only purpose is to exist. But out there, in the middle of the most fierce battle, with the enemy approaching from all directions, he wonders, does he really want to survive? He faces the end of the game, and wonders what the game was for. And he finds comfort in that, he finds comfort in his desperate situation. In some strange and unusual way he takes comfort in knowing that every moment of his life is spent simply surviving, and any of these moments could be the last. Now, he is more sure of things than he has ever been. He knows that he never came here, this is nothing new. He knows that this Hell is where he has always been, this place is within. He understands the enemy now, and sees that this enemy is in fact himself, he is his own demon, the Hell that has been his life comes from within. And so, he finally realized that the only way to his ultimate truth is through the destruction of himself. Now the battle intensifies, the sound of rifles firing fill his ears, or is it the pounding hooves of the white horse? Bullets fly throught the air in all directions, he can feel them pass by. In all this chaos and noise there comes a sudden silence. He hears the click of a single rifle, a moment frozen in time. One lone click, amidst all the destruction, and then a long pause, almost forever, followed by a loud BANG! And then, Nothing, or is this Eternity? Am I finally Home?

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